Random Thoughts

The end of a wonderful year... I was planning to read the blog from the beginning to contemplate on the year passed and say a word or two, I couldn't. I think I'm afraid to do it, but I don't why. So, I've decided to take you to some of the places I've been this year. Here they are:  London - Sunset at the Palace of Westminster London - St. James' Park London - I really wanted to go, but the tickets were too expensive! London - Royal Albert Hall. Waiting for the musicians Edinburgh - The street above the street Edinburgh - The view from Edinburgh Castle Liverpool - My first and only Fish&Chips Chester - The lovely town of Chester Istanbul - The Maiden's Tower Istanbul - Kadikoy, Moda Japan - The mystery of tea Japan - I climb these stairs everyday Japan - From Otsu festival Japan - The bicycle park at my university Japan - This is from a shrine, don't know what it is ...

Until when can I delay that decision? Choosing is hard, because you have to give up something. If you don't chose, then you don't give up. Then there's still a chance that you'd get that thing. How foolish! By not choosing one, I lose them both. It's one of the most difficult things, to face and deal with the reality. I'll never learn that language, be among the best in my field, learn playing that instrument and so on, all at the same time. When I have a piece of free time, the number of choices I have is paralysing. And the things I have to do are overwhelming. I end up doing none of them, because I don't want to let go any of them. It's much easier to live in this delusion and to dream a day in the future where I'll have achieved all these things. That day will never come. I can't even choose coffee in the supermarket, how am I supposed to choose how to spend my time and not regret in the end? People I admire, all have some qualities tha...

Have you met Frank? He was an extremely rich guy. He had properties everywhere. Then, things went wrong and he lost everything he once owned. But he didn't just lose them, he lost them to Nadia. Kind and compassionate Nadia... He'd really thought that she was different. He couldn't be more wrong. She just took everything and moved on with her life, leaving a wreckage behind. Frank didn't know which was worse, losing everything or Nadia's treachery. He looked ahead and saw nothing but misery. So he did the only thing left for him to do; he told Nadia to stop looking so pleased with herself and swore never to play Monopoly with her again! Life would be a lot easier if we could just say: 'I'm not playing anymore' when things went terribly wrong, don't you think? Some things only matter while you're still playing. The only way out is to stop playing. A game inside a game and inside...

The entrance to the cave in which the lamp was hidden was too small for the evil magician. So he tricked Alaaddin, who was small enough, to fetch it for him. When they were at the entrance of the cave, just before Alaaddin went in, the magician told him: "You'll see gems of enchanting beauty. Don't let them make you forget why you're there! There's an old lamp at the end of the cave. Get it and come back directly!" I think one of the most important questions that we can (and should) ask ourselves is: 'What is that lamp?' The gems are there to distract us from reaching the lamp. They are so overwhelmingly attractive. And Alaaddin has no idea how incomparably valuable the lamp is. He has a very difficult challenge ahead. What is that lamp? And which gems take your breath away and distract you from finding it?

'Where are you going?' ... Around midnight, I'd turned off the lights as I often do and was drinking a cup of Earl Grey. Now, about Earl Grey... I've quite recently developed a liking towards it. I used to not like it and the reason is it doesn't quite taste like black tea, you know, more like herbal tea... And for me, there's black tea and everything else. Green, red, white... However, it's a soft tea and it makes a perfect choice around midnight when I'm too hungry to drink stronger teas. Anyway, I was drinking my tea and listening to music on my phone. The screen of my phone, despite being at the lowest brightness, was still too bright in the dark. So I turned the phone over. And something quite predictable happened. I started seeing other things, things that were already around me, but out of my vision because of that bright light of the screen. There are things in front of our eyes, yet we can not see them. And sometimes, we look for those ...

Assam... Darjeeling... Earl Grey... Starting the day with Twinings English Breakfast Tea... Then drinking a cup of Whittard Darjeeling after lunch... And at night, with lights off, a cup of The East India Company Assam... ... A curious thing happened today. There's a tea brand named 'Alokozay' which means a lot to me. I used to mix this tea with some other teas and put it back in tea bags. My own blend... High-school years... and the people I shared this tea with... Anyway, I met a guy whose last name was 'Alokozay'! Can you believe that? He was from Afghanistan and told me that it was their country's brand and that the name comes from the name of a famous tribe. Several years ago, I was very upset when this tea disappeared from the stores back in Turkey. I even called the company who imported Alokozay teas, but couldn't reach them. But now,  it seems that the Alokozay company is making some new investments. I hope they succeed. It would make me ine...

I started this blog at the beginning of February, 2016. If I can write eight more posts by the end of this year, I’ll have written one post a week on avarage, which I think is pretty good. Not the number of posts only, but the consistency as well. I try to finish or keep up the things I’d started. But this hasn’t really been the case so far. My Russian and “baglama” (a Turkish instrument) learning experiences are two unfortunate examples. So this blog is like a new hope! And I intend to improve it. I have some ideas, but since I don’t get much feedback about the quality of the blog, I’m not sure what’s working and what’s not. Anyway, we’ll see…   …   I’m starting to think that my life will be exactly like my day. Because I do almost the same things everyday. And since our lives are the collection of our days, and assuming no event that will change my lifestyle dramatically will happen, I’ll have done the things that I’d done today for my entire life. Scary, isn’t it? Now ...

You know how I say that I write these posts at night and half-asleep, well, I had just finished writing a long post about the girl I loved. I write on my phone and use a note taking app, so I selected everything that I've written and just when I was about to "copy", I accidentally pressed on another button and gone it was!  The only thing I can think of is that maybe I shouldn't write about her. Well, maybe... Anyway, it was a farewell, some memories, some explanations... It was going to be the last time that I mentioned her, but it wasn't meant to be...

I hope I haven't started to repeat myself. Since I've written all these half-asleep, it may well be the case. One day, I'll read everything from the beginning, to see what I've written so far, to see my mistakes, my progress and also to evaluate the year passed. Speaking from experience, I think it would be most interesting to read the things I expected from the future and the plans I made about it and how everything turned out (maybe another tense here?). ... I've lived my life as if I had unlimited time. I waste my time with the things I don't really care for, so if I were to die now, I would regret the way I had chosen to spend my time. But why can't I change it? Why can't I start making the choices that I won't regret? I think there's no reason, at all! But that does not make it easy. It is definitely not easy! It may even be the hardest thing in the world, if not impossible. To change the way you live, by yourself, without any "l...

Today our Japanese friends have organised a welcome party for us at the university dorm, where I will stay for the next school year. With a ceremony called "Mochitsuki" they prepared "Mochi" or "Japanese Rice Cake" which is simply made by first boiling the rice and then pounding on it with a big, wooden hammer-thing until it's gum-like. It's actually not easy to make, at all! Finally they turn it into small rice balls, add some sugar and serve. It was a bit sticky and hard to eat, but delicious. Also, I have used chopsticks for the first time in my life. All the Japanese people were like: "You never used chopsticks!?". Well, no. We've spoons and forks... and I don't enjoy inflicting pain on myself. However, I am most certain that I will spend a good deal of money to get an artistic looking set of chopsticks. They just look so cool! Though, I don't suppose I'll ever use them, like regularly. Anyway, it's been quite a...

Billions of people have lived and died since the first ones. What do we remember about them? Most of them are forgotten. Some, we remember as bad. And some, we remember as good. So is that the point in life? To be remembered as good? We may lead a good life, but there may be no one to remember us. Also, when we do good things, should we do them for others to acknowledge or do them because they were the right thing to do and not care about what others think or say. Do you ever think, while you're eating, why? Why do you eat? To stay alive... and do what? To exist until someday we do not? We study hard and work endless hours for... a better life. But it doesn't surprise us to hear a rich person who doesn't have to work at all to kill himself. He didn't have to do anything and saw no point and ended his life. And we don't hear the poor to commit suicide. They're too busy staying alive. So my conclusion is, we don't ask ourselves the "why" questio...

When I wake up tomorrow, I'll probably say the same thing: "Never again, should I stay awake to write a blog post!", but alas, even now I know that nothing will change. Nights are the only times that I can write and write, I must. The first time I started living abroad was in London and it took me just a little over two weeks to start getting used to my new life. But until then, my life was truly miserable. It was the first time that I had left home and... it was bad. The second time is now, in Japan. It's been 5 days. And this time, it took me 3 days to get past the initial shock and depression. This time it was short, but very intense. ... If I'm not asleep, say, after 1 am, I find it very hard to sleep until it's almost sunrise. This always made me think that we have a limited window of opportunity for some things and if we miss that, it may be too late. There may not be a second chance. So if you are planning to do or say something that you think ...

I'm really surprised at how unwilling people are to convince others to convert to their religions. Let's only talk about the religions with a notion of eternal afterlife. Now think of a person who believes in a set of rules and the idea that if you don't live your life according to those rules you would be punished for eternity. Won't you agree that this person would try very hard to obey those rules and make as much people around him as possible to obey them too? Otherwise he or those people would go to hell, the worst thing that could happen. I think, if a person like this doesn't warn other people when they do things against the set of rules that he believes in, there can only be two explanations: First, he himself doesn't really care about his religion. He's not sincere in his belief. Maybe he's doing the rituals out of habit or out of fear of his environment, the social pressure etc. Second, he doesn't really care much about the person to...

Everything about modern life makes me feel unimportant. As much as I would like to do, I'm not going to produce any conspiracy theories as to who would want people to feel this way. I just want to say that I haven't given up and I'm not going down without a good fight! I always tell myself that my actions have the utmost importance, the deciding power in any matter. If I don't like something about a company -be it the world view of its owner, the advertisements they make, their pricing policy etc.- I prefer another company. If it's serious, I boycott the company and all of its brands and products. I don't just stop buying their products, because that feels so passive. If the company's made me angry, I actively work against them. In my power, I do all I can to convince everyone around me to stop buying their products. I feel like if I buy their products or services I'm responsible for everything that I hate about that company, I made all those things p...

I have two parakeets, Çeri (Cherry) and Beri (Berry). They are the loveliest bird couple in the world! In the beginning, Çeri was alone and he was quite calm most of the time. Then we found Beri on the street. She was very hungry and thirsty and about to die. We took her in and put her in Çeri's cage. With our love and care she regained her strength and started to get out of the cage and discover the house. Çeri, on the other hand, eyed her suspiciously for two days. Then, suddenly, he started to follow her everywhere! It's really funny to watch, to be honest; but a bit embarrassing to see a male in this situation, even if it's a bird... (Çeri is the white-blue one by the way) Anyway, they're maybe the happiest creatures on Earth and that made me think. I refill their food and water when they're empty. If I don't, they will just die. They seem not to worry about this, but they really don't have any insurance about their future. There is simply no guara...

I wish I hadn't known what it was like to look into your eyes and see there my own reflection. ... When I first arrived in London for a language course seven months ago, everything I did in my first couple of days etched in my memory. My first train ticket at Heathrow, passengers on the train, the weather, people on the streets that I asked location to and the conversations that we had, the face of the lady who welcomed me to the house where I would stay and the taste of the espresso that she made for me and so on. It was my first trip abroad and I was going to stay for six months! Everything was great and interesting, but not for long... After the excitement and shock of these first days wore off, an extreme and terrible, really terrible homesickness came over me and I asked myself again and again, What am I doing here? Why, why did I leave my country, my home, my family? How am I going to hold on for six months? Six whole months! ...and so on. Fortunately, this changed...

What do you do if you don't feel at home, while in fact you are at home? Where do you go? ... Imagine someone who deserves every bit of your love, and still it's not enough. You're simply incapable of loving that person as much as he/she deserves. Have you ever felt this way about someone? ... There's a wall clock in every room in my grandmother's house. Old ones... Noisy ones... Very noisy... And the house is small, so if the doors are open, you can hear the sound of each and every clock. A complete mad house... So when I stay for the night, I remove all the clocks from the walls and put them away in another room and close the door. If you think this is too much, then maybe I shouldn't tell you that I used to remove the batteries as well. I'm alone with my grandmother. She's sleeping in her room, but the door is open. Now, I just put away the clock in the room that I'm in and the one in the hall in another room. But here's the thing, ...

Why do we upset people whom we love or people who love us? ... I've been escaping from myself, I still do. There're some simple questions that I should ask to myself. Simple, but very powerful questions... One day I'll have the courage to ask those questions and give honest answers. ... If you think of someone so intensely, will they feel it? ... I am afraid to go to sleep. I need more songs in my playlist. And I think too much! That's why I don't gain any weight, even though I eat well. ... I wish you weren't...

I climbed the long stairs to the balcony and finally I was up there. I had seen the layout of the theatre on the website, so I had an idea as to whereabouts of my seat. There were only three rows in the balcony and my seat was in the last row. I walked towards my seat, but there was someone trying to get out of the row, so I started waiting. That was when I saw her. Sitting on the row in front of me and to the right was a girl of astonishing beauty. She was already looking at me. I forgot everything. Who was I? And what was I doing there? I also lost sense of time, so I don't know how long we looked at each other. Only after she turned her face away, I realized that the man I was waiting for was long gone and I was just standing there in the middle of the balcony. I sat on my seat -which was the first in the row. I looked at her again, she was sitting with some other girls, her friends maybe. I will probably sound too sentimental, but you know the feeling when you see som...

Time flies, doesn't it? Many things have happened since my last post. Before saying anything, I would like to note the following date, July 15th 2016, the day a group in the military attempted a coup in Turkey against the selected government and most fortunately failed. May they and everyone involved(!) pay for what they have done. I am not going to, however, talk about this shameful event, since I need a break from it. ... "I went on an adventure!" as Mr. Bilbo Bagging would have said. A trip to Edinburgh, Liverpool, Chester and then back to London. I absolutely loved Edinburgh from the moment I set my eyes on her. I definitely would have stayed longer, but sadly I had my return tickets booked beforehand. I got rid of my bag as soon as possible and went on a stroll in the old town. No sooner had I walked for a couple of minutes than I was welcomed by a man in traditional Scottish outfit playing bagpipes. It was my first time hearing it in real life and I...

The covers and screen protectors for technological devices cost an arm and a leg. I have always hated tech companies for this. There is no way these things cost that much to produce to justify those prices. But people spend lots of money on their phones and tablets and they don't want scratches on their screens, so they grudgingly buy those exorbitant protectors. Well, I was growing tried of this and finally decided to take a stand. I removed the screen protector from my phone and got rid of the cover. FREEDOM! At last! The difference between that old bulky phone with all those extra layers and this new phone was huge. It's now a pleasure to hold and touch. I guess it's more risky, those protectors usually do protect if you drop your phone or something. But I just be more careful about it and don't throw my phone around, which you shouldn't do anyway. It's been a while and no scratches so far and my only regret is not doing this earlier. ... Today in the...

To leave or not to leave the EU for Britain? That is the second question. The referandum was today, well, technically it was yesterday, since it's past midnight. And we will learn the result in the morning. I just wanted to have this on the blog, for the records. I'm guessing Bremain... The polls say it's fifty-fifty. But I think, some Brexit people will change their minds. We'll see. ... I'm finally getting around to writing another post. The thing is, the whole process of applying to a Master's course in Japan is having far too much effect on me than I would like to admit. I always wanted to be a person who, when he wanted something to happen, did everything he could and then relaxed. Alas! Most of the time, I don't do everything that I need to do and have to live the stress and regret of knowing that it would be my fault, should I fail in my endeavour. It's not worth it, you know. Nothing's worth this stress. Working freakishly hard and doi...

The more I feel in love, the better a person I become. I start not minding most things that I normally would; the things that cause problems, arguments and even fights. It's amazing how it changes the way I consider life. ... Lying on your right side, blinking rapidly for a minute, counting backwards from 100... These are some of the strategies for falling asleep. Unfortunately, none of them works, at least not on me. Here I lie without a trace of sleep. Maybe I should've counted forwards and imagined some sheep jumping over a fence. I've never tried it to be honest. I think I'll give that a try, but at another night. I've changed. I'm not sure if in a good way or not. I used to -and still, think that my preferences on the room in which I sleep are not the least unreasonable, despite the protests of the people I stayed with. For example, I used to prefer sleeping in a controlled environment. All the windows and doors to where I slept had to be closed...

I always, but always spill the foods that I put into my bag. I also forget putting them there. For example, for quite a while now, every time I put my hand in my bag to get something, I find some nuts or jellies, which is always a nice surprise, by the way. But, there are things that go bad and smell, and obviously this is not something pleasant to discover in your bag. I think, I now understand why things smell when they rot; it's to let people like me (to?) know that it's time to check the bag! I actually found a banana in my bag today. I still have no clue how it got there, but I ate it with pleasure nonetheless. ... Today, I finally brought myself to visit the British Museum, after having spent almost four months in this city. Not that anything's wrong with the museum... I just don't particularly enjoy museums in general. But my school being five minutes walk from the museum and all... I was just afraid of people's reaction if I told them I hadn...

Don't you love it when you see someone on the public transport trying to read someone else's newspaper on the sly? I do. It makes me laugh. All those manners... No-one wants to get caught doing it, as if it was the ultimate crime. ... It's way past midnight. The window is open. Apparently there is another one somewhere in the house, because the curtain flies frantically. And the room is a bit chilly. I was sleeping actually. I woke up, partly because of the cold and partly because the annoying sound that the curtain makes every now and then. Each time I hear it, I decide, 'alright, the next time I hear it I'll get up and close the window', and start waiting for it. But then I don't hear it. The sound stops. Just when I relieve myself of this stupid sound-hunting quest, and say to myself, 'nevermind, I'll just go to sleep', I hear the infernal sound again. And the whole process repeats. ... Why do we use the verb 'to go' for sleep?...

I think I want this blog to be good and my posts beautiful and that holds me back. You'd think that this would increase the quality of the blog, but no. I think it kills the creativity. We need more spontaneity here. Yes, that's what we need. And who needs a topic anyway? Hundreds of millions of people walk pass each other every day and they don't even look at each other's faces. I always think about some far-fetched, distopian, sci-fi type scenarios. Like you were alone on the Earth or another planet for a long long time and at last you saw this person from afar! What would your reaction be? Wouldn't you just run to him and give him a big hug? I know I would. Then why we don't feel that way about each other? Because there're people everywhere. And when we have something for a while, we tend to take it for granted. That's our nature I guess. We don't think about it, don't think how life would be if we didn't have it. So maybe all those acci...

Is it possible to feel longing for a place that you have never been to or know nothing about? Can you miss something like that? For a very long time, I don't even remember the beginning of it, I have been longing for a place or a thing or a person... I don't even know what it is. It doesn't seem plausible to me, missing something you don't know. I think you have to experience something first in order to miss it. I have some very nice memories in some places. And I feel sad when I remember those memories, because the places in my memories are far away now. And some people... When their memories suddenly decide to fill my mind, I smile involuntarily, even loudly sometimes. Then the sadness takes over. Because they are away too. And miles aren't the only distance that separates us... The happiest man has the potential to become the saddest of us all. Beyond all these, I miss something else, strongly... What have I experienced before that was so perfect, that I ...

Lost opportunities.... make me sad. Sometimes, you're not brave enough to act. You're afraid of some stupid reason or you overthink and miss it. Regret is what you get in return. Sometimes you do act, but other people get in the way. I feel so frustrated. Because it's gone. It wasn't my fault this time. I've learned my lesson the hard way. Others have to learn too, I guess. But the chance is gone. Lost. Nothing to do about it. Unless, a miracle happens... (This is as explicit as I could be in this matter, sorry...) ... The Cold Turkey - Update 2: On Sunday, I had successfully finished the first week of the cold turkey attempt. But I decided not to continue. One reason was that I thought I wouldn't survive the second week. The another was I wasn't able to come up with reasonable alternatives to spend my time. So I was ill-prepared in that sense. Lesson learned. Unfortunately, since Sunday, I have hit the rock bottom, had a couple thousand change of hea...

Oh my God! Until today, if you had come to me and told that I would be sharing a video of myself speaking in English, I would have just laughed (I have serious doubts about the grammar here). No way! But, here we are. I think what made me do this is the presentation I did with a classmate three days ago. We recorded ourselves and watched afterwards to see how we did. I realized that I spoke slowly and I hesitated a lot and made thinking noises between words-sentences more than it's supposed to be. So I decided to work on my speaking a bit more seriously. So here it is: Update: I have deleted the video, because I was too embarrassed. Sorry...

Let's say you feel like a five, yes the number. It's not about your possessions, I have no interest in that whatsoever; it's your quality as a person. It's still not clear, but bear with me. So you're a five. And you know that you are not at your full capacity. If you do all the good things that you think you should do and stop doing all the bad ones, you know that you can be a ten. And twenty is the limit of how good a person could be, beyond which is unfathomable, unimaginable, unthinkable... And then, she enters into your life. And suddenly hundreds, thousands and millions become a possibility. ... The Cold Turkey Update:  Well, it's been hard, the last five days. Really, extremely hard. Monday was, by far, the worst. I just sat on my chair, paralysed to do anything else, and fought many battles inside my head whether to stop this nonsense or not. I was loosing. So the next two days, I just walked around the streets until my feet were numb. And when I c...

There was no apparent reason for my heart to start pounding at 4 am other than the intent to listen to the birds in the garden. I wonder when it's going to stop, the pounding. I would never wish for a bird's singing to stop. I can't breathe. The lightweight quilt crashes my bones. The thin piece of fabric I wear burns. And my heart aches. Why am I thinking about her? It's cold now. The birds stopped singing. And the sun is rising. And I'm sinking into dreams. I can finally sleep.

An imaginary meal at a restaurant So my dad and mum came to visit me for the weekend. I took them to a restaurant for dinner where the staff forgot to bring my dad a fork and knife , so we asked for a new pair. It took them a while to bring it, so he decided that this was a bad restaurant. I, on the other hand, thought that deciding on the quality of a restaurant shouldn't be so simple, so I told him that this was not a white and black issue, that it was more complicated. Anyway, we left the restaurant after we finished our meals and in the car continued the discussion. My dad argued that later or sooner they would run out of business because of poor service; while my mother, after carefully considering all the cons and pros , thought that, large and by , they were okay. There was a car accident, so the traffic was bad, but we got home sound and safe and had a cup of tea. I can't continue anymore. So weird... And in case you're wondering why I did something like...

I'm going cold turkey on (...) I'm sorry, I'm not going to tell you what it is. At least not yet. Because, when you decide to do something and then tell people about it before actually doing it, you lose the motivation. So this is one of my principles in life: I keep my mouth closed about my plans. Terms and conditions may apply. What I'm doing by telling you about this is actually for motivation. I'll tell you what it is in two weeks and whether I succeeded or not. So stay tuned! While going cold turkey might potentially be the most effective way of getting rid of a bad habit, it has its issues. The most obvious one being withdrawal. Also it takes a lot of effort, courage, determination and motivation. So it's an extremely fragile period. And if you fail, there is a chance of losing self-respect. Like you have no power, no control... You might let yourself go. Surrender. It's a risky business, going cold turkey... But I'm willing to take the risks...

It's high time that I wrote something! The realization that you're not as interesting as you thought you were is a bit hard to digest. It's been twelve posts so far, and that was all I could come up with. Couple thousand words... After 24 years of life experience... Well, I seek solace in the following idea: it is the quality that matters. ... Whatever you believe, I think it all comes down to your behavior towards others. Your social side... Are you a kind person? Do you help other people when they need it? Do you try to stop an injustice or do you just turn your back/close your eyes? Do you encourage people to do good things or do you cause them to do bad ones? As far as I know, the idea of God is that He (doesn't refer to gender) is all-powerful. He doesn't need anything that you or I do. He can end all the injustice, hunger, misery etc. in the blink of an eye. But it doesn't work that way. We're the ones who should do something. Because all of thes...

1) What happened to the male singers? Most of them sound like women! 2) And ladies... You can have your clothes on when you're singing. 3) And can someone please tell me, where are all the instruments? The above is my impression of current popular music after taking a look at "Most Viewed Videos" in YouTube and "Global Top 50" in Spotify. I figured these would give me an accurate picture. If I may add some comments: 3) Colours and preferences. No point in arguing. Seriously though, other than the occasional piano, where did all the instruments go? 1) Plain disgraceful. Please, stop doing it. 2) I actually thought that some female singers had amazing voices. Just mesmerising... But seeing them half-naked is a turnoff. No, nothing's wrong with me! They attract my attention alright, but lose my respect. I can't help but think "what if this woman was my wife, or sister, or daughter, or mother etc." Would I want hundreds of millions of...