My Own Funeral

I hope I haven't started to repeat myself. Since I've written all these half-asleep, it may well be the case. One day, I'll read everything from the beginning, to see what I've written so far, to see my mistakes, my progress and also to evaluate the year passed. Speaking from experience, I think it would be most interesting to read the things I expected from the future and the plans I made about it and how everything turned out (maybe another tense here?).
...
I've lived my life as if I had unlimited time. I waste my time with the things I don't really care for, so if I were to die now, I would regret the way I had chosen to spend my time. But why can't I change it? Why can't I start making the choices that I won't regret?
I think there's no reason, at all! But that does not make it easy. It is definitely not easy! It may even be the hardest thing in the world, if not impossible. To change the way you live, by yourself, without any "life-changing" or "traumatic" event or outside force....
Maybe I should die... Right now... (For those who care for my well-being, I don't mean literally. Thanks) Yes, maybe I should die, attend my own funeral and contemplate on the life that I've led thus far. And then, born again... start anew... as another person... to whom everything's possible.
...
Assuming that he'll have an average amount of days in his life, it sounds absolutely ridiculous for someone in his 20s to think that "it is too late", yet this is how he and almost all of us think for the majority of our lives, regardless of how much time we have left.
...
I wonder when did I decide to stop painting? I used to be very good at it. I still keep some of my paintings and, ahh, I truly loved painting them. When and why did I decide that I should stop painting on my free time and start watching some TV series instead, like most others do?
This is just an example... I'm not saying that the meaning of life is in painting, nor am I saying that we should all be artists. It's just, my life is wasting away... and I can't find the power to change anything.
Maybe I am afraid... Waking up in the morning... with no obligations for the day... the complete freedom... to do anything I want... and it terrifies me! It terrifies the h*** out of me! To see endless options before my eyes, endless paths that I can take. And of course, at the end of the day, if I haven't taken any of those paths, the regret...
It's a terrible life, a grueling way of living, the summary of my life...

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